Still distressed

It's distressing me greatly that I can't seem to come to a quick resolution about what I'm doing and when I'm doing it.

The Department of State has released another statement about Guatemala that "strongly cautions" potential adoptive parents to "carefully consider their options at this time." It seems that they have been catching some unscrupulous people doing bad things in the name of adoption. Rather than go into the details here, you can read the short statement online.

This weekend I talked with a friend in Istanbul, Turkey. When I think about visiting Turkey, I remember talking with my friend Aysegul about how we were going to be friends forever. We were going to marry guys who liked each other because we were going to spend our summers together on Burgaz (island in Marmara Sea off coast of Istanbul). I thought about our children growing up together. She didn't have children before she passed, and sometimes I think that's another tragedy.

Anyway, sometimes I think about adopting from Turkey (even though 2003 was the last time they had immigrant visas issued - 3 that year to be exact). I want that connection to Aysegul. It's not very feasible, it would be damned difficult to complete an adoption, and I would have to live in Turkey for a year. The irony is that I could probably arrange a private adoption, but it's possible that if I did that the child wouldn't be eligible for a U.S. visa. ugh!

Good grief! Why can't it be easy?

Turkey isn't my answer. Guatemala seems to be disappearing from my answers. Does that mean I'm just not going to be a mom?

Okay, okay!

Several people have asked what's going on even though I'm on pause.

Let's see....

February is always a touch-and-go month for me. After surviving the Valentine's Day blues, I also deal with living through Feb. 21. I lost one of my closest friends to this horrifyingly awful disease called Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (PPH). The first few years after she died I just cried all day. Now I take the day off work and do whatever makes me happy.

Yesterday I got a manicure/pedicure and felt really pampered. I met a guy friend and we stayed at my favorite restaurant Oregano's for little over four hours. Then I went to an art show and spent some of my savings. Why did I buy an original Dina Farris Appel art piece instead of saving my money for a rainy day? Because every February 21 I live my life as if I'm not waking up the next day. My one sort-of regret from the day was that I didn't spend the rest of the day with my guy friend. He's a good kisser so he might be good at other things too.

I am self-employed, and I'm no longer enjoying the work I'm doing at my current client. Instead of b*tching about it here, I'll just say that I'm focused on getting more clients. Ultimately, more clients will create more security. In the meantime, I am trying to build my savings account so I can take care of myself and continue with the adoption if I decide to do that.

Some of the thoughts I've had include

• Maybe I'm not meant to be a wife and mom
• Maybe I ought to spend my money on remodeling my house
• Maybe I ought to travel around the world
• Maybe it isn't the right time to adopt
• Maybe it will never be the right time to adopt
• Maybe I should try to get pregnant the old-fashioned way and avoid all this BS paperwork
• Maybe it's too much to do this on my own
• Maybe I need to wait a little while longer so that I have more financial security to provide
  

This morning I heard a very interesting set of questions. When you're faced with making a decision on doing something, ask yourself: Will it make me money? Will it make me happy? If the answer to both question is NO, do something else.

What I'm doing during the day makes me money and doesn't make me happy.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Las Vegas with some girlfriends. Since I've never been to Vegas, it ought to be interesting!

Still on pause

For those kind and loving people in my life....

My adoption plan is still on pause. I don't know when I'll hit "play" again.

Just wanted you to know if you've been checking here for updates.....