"I think you made a good choice."

Reality is beginning to sink in for my parents. I'm not sure if they thought I'd "outgrow" the idea of adoption or wait until I got married. But, now that I've submitted my application, they are asking different questions.

Someone at my mom's church told her that Guatemala adoptions cost $50,000. At first, she was astounded at the amount my agency quoted (approximately $30,000). I explained to her that the money is used for foster care, attorney fees, and court costs in Guatemala.

I also explained my rationale for choosing Guatemala. It's not a matter of money. It's a matter of my heart.

I feel more strongly drawn to that country than any other country. The babies are with foster families from birth and are never placed in an orphanage. A child from Guatemala is more likely to be healthy, young, and known the love of a family.

If I can't be with her from the day of her birth, it's worth it to me to ensure she has the care of a loving foster family until the legal procedures are complete.

When I was reviewing CWA's programs, I created an Excel spreadsheet with all the fees and associated dollar amounts. I sent it to my mom so she could be better educated the next time someone comments on how expensive it is to adopt.

She sent a reply pretty quickly: I think you made a good choice.

Now THAT made my heart sing and put a smile on my face.

What a Godwink!

Friday night I was watching TV with friends, and they wanted to watch Primetime news show on Mel Gibson's upcoming film Apocalypto. The film is about the Mayan Indians from Guatemala - their noble heritage, their empire's fall, and the possible legacy that lives today.

During the show, they interviewed children and families living in Guatemala. I felt my skin vibrate to see the country. I felt strongly that my daughter is already living or will be born there. I also felt very humbled to know that a daughter of Guatemala will be entrusted to my care.

What I felt was a God wink! This amazing book was written by SQuire Rushnell to explain the power of coincidences in our lives. It's my belief that everything happens for a reason and coincidences exist all around us every day.

Even as I was watching the TV show, I exclaimed to my friends, "that's a God wink!"

As with all God winks, it felt like a confirmation that I'm on the right path for my life.

"Okay, dear, go ahead"

This afternoon I decide that it's better to move forward than to wait any longer. I heard from the Agency reference families, and the references were all strong/positive. I spoke with one of the two women responsible for the Guatemala program.

Everything feels great.

So, I decide to submit the application today. Thank God for the internet because I can take care of everything online.

After I entered the information, suddenly I'm feeling a little freaked out. I call my parents who are traveling to Kentucky to visit my dad's mom and family. My dad is telling me that my brother is driving too fast. My mom is focused on getting the gallons recorded so she can calculate the mileage for the car.

I announce that I'm getting ready to send the application. I'm not sure if my mom is distracted or not comprehending what I'm saying or just not sure what to say.

"Okay, dear, go ahead if that's what you want"

It's funny. My parents definitely wouldn't have been present if I was married and conceiving a biological child. But, they are on the phone with me when I press the "send application" button.

My biggest life-changing decision gets made with the push of a button

Live conversation about Guatemala

This morning I spoke with one of the Agency Guatemala program coordinators. She was wonderful and easy to talk with. Every question was answered or she referred me to someone within Agency who could answer my question.

When I answered the phone, I had butterflies and the nervous sound of my voice was apparent. I started with easy questions like how I find a homestudy provider in Arizona. She explained what information they have and how they would guide me.

I'm not sure why, but I even asked about the financial aspects of adopting sibling groups. Somehow in my mind I have two daughters (although I'm fairly certain that I'm only adopting one child this time). She did tell me that sibling groups are available in Guatemala, so that was interesting information.

She suggested I consider asking for approval for two children in the homestudy process and with INS. That way IF a sibling group is available and IF we match, the government paperwork doesn't have to be redone.

It was great just to chat with a live person who has answers.

Ladybugs & Lilac Walls

Today I have lunch with Marla & Beth. Beth's daughter is looking adorable in her ladybug dress & socks. She has a beautiful smile with big brown eyes and dark hair. I make silly faces and sounds to her as we sit across the table from each other. She's just turned 1.

I feel so lucky to have these two women in my life. They ask about what's been happening, and I tell them the latest conversation with the adoption adviser. We talk about kids, ages at adoption, and adjustment. Nope, not the kids adjusting - the parents! Marla talks about getting up in the middle of the night to feed Ian.

My life is beginning to be turned upside down. I know that mentally, even if I have no idea what it will actually be like physically and emotionally.

This morning as I was walking through my house, I started re-arranging furniture. I know the "Lucinda room" is going to become the nursery/child's room.

People thought I was odd when I painted the walls lilac several years ago. At the time, I wanted a sanctuary within my home ~ a space that was peaceful where I could meditate, pray, be alone with my thoughts.

Now I laugh at a memory. I remember how I used to say that my daughter's nursery would be done in purple because I'm not fond of pink.

I guess my inner Lucinda knew several years ago that my daughter would live in that room. Now I don't have any "if" feelings. Now it's just a matter of time before she's here.

Already thinking like a mom

My brother emails me today about a problem he has. He wants me to tell our mom about it because he thinks she's going to be angry.

Never mind that he's an adult and it shouldn't matter what my mom thinks. It matters to him.

When I respond, I remind him of bad decisions I've made in the past. I tell him that mom may have been upset, but not angry at me.

I see the discussion from a different perspective now. After all, someday my child might feel the same way about me. I know I want her to feel loved even when she makes bad choices.

Odd thoughts in midst of football game

I love football! It's been my favorite fall activity for years.

Today I went to see a professional game with a guy friend. During the game, the camera people put crowd shots on the Jumbotron. Toddlers and children cheering for the team kept making me smile.

I was thinking that next year I'd have a cute little one dressed in my team's colors. Or, maybe I'd need a babysitter because the noise would be too much for her. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to go to the games any longer.

As we were driving home after the game, my guy friend starts telling his dating stories. He says it's difficult to date a single mom because you never know if you're interfering. But, at the same time, you like the feeling of 'being dad.'

As I'm listening to him, I know I'm going to be a single mom. I wonder if I'll even have the desire to date because dating as a mom will be an entirely different situation.

I don't say anything to him. It feels a little too uncertain yet, and I know he'll try to talk me out of adopting.

As if anyone could talk me out of it at this point.

Deep breathing works wonders

I'm calmer today. I received an email from an adoption adviser with Agency, and she reminded me of something very important.

God knows where my daughter is, and He has perfect timing.

So, I'm doing my deep breathing and feeling more centered than yesterday. After all, timing is everything. In other areas of my life, I have relied on the idea that something would happen when the time was "right" - this adoption ought to be the same.

I will need to remember calmness a lot during the next several months. As Krisanne said in her email, "Adoption is not for whimps and knowing that you have given God control and constantly ask for His intervention can be such a source of courage."

Okay, God.... I'm waiting patiently again. Thanks for the reminder.

Urgency

Suddenly, today all I can think about is this decision.

I'm not getting anything done at work. I'm thinking only of how I can get to an adoption seminar. I have to get to an adoption seminar!

I'm trying to decide where, when, how. I'm online with airline sites, hotel sites, CWA's site.

I send my mom an instant message. "I think I'm going to Charleston the first weekend of December for an adoption seminar. If you're interested, I'll check flights for you."

I am obsessed...

Each reply gives me more confidence

When I scroll through my emails this morning on the BlackBerry, I see several Agency families have replied.

Each email gives me more peace, more confidence that this could be my agency.

I know I have to attend a seminar. I have to meet these people face to face. They could be the people who bring my daughter to me.

Now I am planning how to fit a trip into my schedule. I know that I want to make a decision before the end of the year.

How can I squeeze a trip into my schedule? I can do this! I know I can do this.

First reply! Oh joy!

I am forever grateful that the first reply from a Agency family is positive! Not one word of judgement that I'm single or I don't know what I'm doing.

Thank you!

Thank you from my heart for taking the time to respond.

I vow to share my story in the future. When I have my daughter with me, I know I will gladly answer any questions at any time.

I am reminded of the quote on the bottom of Marla's emails: "We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through"

Courage to contact the families

I have always felt that 14 was my lucky number. Is it any wonder that I chose today to contact the references for Agency?

I draft an email. I tweak it. I decide that I can send it. After all, it's just information. It isn't committing me to this agency. It's just another step in the journey. That's all. Just a baby step.

After I send the first email to the single woman reference, I look at the other names. Suddenly, I'm compelled to contact all of them! My fingers fly over the keys and I have sent request after request after request. My rationale is that someone might not get the email or someone might be busy or someone might be too busy.

Nine requests.... nine familes who know I'm considering Agency.

Holding the Agency Adoption Packet!

My skin vibrates (aka goosebumps) when I see the mail. The Agency packet has arrived!

I can't think straight. Why do I suddenly feel so nervous? It's just information. It's going to tell me how much money I need to make this dream of being a mom become real. It's going to list hundreds of papers and documents.

It isn't going to have any magical answers in it. I'm not going to open this packet and read, "Lucinda, God has ordained you to adopt from this agency on this date in time."

But, I still tremble when I open the packet.

Now I have to read every word. Every word is precious. Every word brings me closer to her.

Sharing my info

Marla asks me to contact a friend who is considering Guatemala for adoption. She knows that I have more info on Guatemala than she has. She adopted her daughter from China and her son from Korea. She has listened, encouraged me, and went with me to the first orientation session.

I am humbled to think that I now have more info on Guatemala than a woman who helped me decide adoption is my path.

I am honored to email this woman. After all, we're all on the same journey to create our families. I'm just a step ahead.

I send a lengthy email with everything I can think of. I share guatadopt.com with her. I share website info on a few agencies that I think are a cut above the other ones.

When I hit send, I keep thinking about Beth's friend of a friend. Finally, I decide that I have to pay attention to my little voice. I send an email to Beth with the same info. I tell her I realize I'm being forward, but I keep thinking about this friend of her friend. I ask her to forward the Guatemala adoption information to her friend to forward to her friend. (goodness, it feels like a game of Telephone!)

Now I feel peace over helping someone else on their journeys. That's a good feeling.

Celebrating a First Birthday!

My friend Beth adopted a beautiful baby girl domestically. Today was her first birthday party, and it was more fun than I anticipated.

It's always unnerving for me to go somewhere alone. I know someday I will get over it, but for now, it's still scary. I hadn't met her husband before. I only knew one mutual friend, and I hadn't confirmed that she'd be there with her family. It took a lot for me to get in the car and drive to the park for the party.

Wow! Before I even found our mutual friend, some people are chatting with me about Purdue football. Thank God, I'm feeling more comfortable.

Watching the children play is wonderful. There are different cultures and a mix of families. I am feeling more comfortable every moment. I am feeling like I really could have the opportunity to celebrate MY child's first birthday instead of feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.

While we're eating lunch, I sit across from a couple who have known Beth & her husband for a long time. We get to talking about adoption. Soon, I'm telling this wonderful couple all about Guatemala and its adoption program. She has a friend from Guatemala who is single and may be thinking about adoption.

Now I feel like God sent me to the birthday party to make that connection.

Help, Need Feedback, Help

Now that I'm requesting an info packet... I'm panicking

Get another opinion! This is a major decision. This is a big deal. This is your family. This is the rest of your life.

I immediately send email to my closest and dearest friends with a link to the website.

"I have been researching adoption programs to adopt from Guatemala. I am getting more information from this agency. I appreciate the support you have offered for me and I am interested in your opinion. Since some of you have adopted, do you see anything on the website that would make you uncomfortable? Any red flags?"

Just sending the email calms me down. These are people I trust and they can help me.

Request for Another Info Packet

After another round of online searching, I see Christian World Adoption listed on guatadopt.com and I visit the website. I'm not 100% sure I need a Christian agency, but it's worth a look.

Wow! Something feels really familiar when I visit the site. Have I been on it before?

The Executive Director's name rings a bell. Tomilee Harding.... that really does sound familiar and it's an unusual first name (like mine)

Then I remember... I checked out this agency when I was considering an adoption from Bulgaria in 1999. I remember being disappointed that they didn't have a program for Bulgaria because I liked a lot of other things about them.

Yes, I'll request an information packet.

Isn't it funny how you see things differently when you reconsider where your child might be?