Still saying maybe, maybe, maybe

My heart feels like adoption is what I am meant to do. Tonight I'm with my girlfriends I met through Arizona Adoptive Families. And, I'm still using "I don't know" or "maybe" to describe what I'm doing.

I finally expressed aloud that I was really uncomfortable with the agency I thought I had picked. They had gone with me to the meeting so I knew I had to explain why I hadn't done anything yet.

I don't have any peace.

Every major decision I've made - from taking a job to buying my first home to moving to Phoenix - I never actually ACTED until I felt peace.

And I have no peace...

Will I ever have peace?

Am I backing out?

I don't know....

I do know from past experience that I WILL have peace when it's the right time

Research, Research, Research

Before I left for Hawaii, I attended an adoption orientation session for a local adoption agency. I was still exploring my options. I hadn't fully committed to the idea of adoption because I was still thinking about in-vitro. I took two girlfriends for moral support since it is daunting to enter a room alone.

On paper, that agency seemed great. That agency is perfect for other people. However, that night I felt a twinge of discomfort. When I learned that the coordinator for Guatemala was in the Florida office, I contacted the Florida office to talk with her. I expressed my desire to talk with the Guatemala program director about some questions and gave my cell phone number.

Someone in the Phoenix office returned my call and told me that any questions I had could be answered by them.

uh-oh!

What a bummer voicemail to receive! This agency isn't my agency. I'm not shopping for shoes. I am looking for the partner that will help me bring my daughter(s) to me.

So, I'm back to researching agencies. Back online visiting websites. Back to asking friends and friends of friends (and even strangers) if they know of adoption agencies who specialize in Guatemala.

Swimming with the dolphins

I celebrated my 40th birthday swimming with the dolphins. When I arrive in Hawaii, I learn the Hawaiian word for dolphins is Naia, and it seems like a magical name to me.

The rest of the week in Hawaii I call to naia each morning to visit me. Each morning I have breakfast on the lanai of the oceanfront home near Kealakekua Bay. Each morning I see naia in the bay, and I feel blessed.

I am carrying a secret the entire time I'm in Hawaii. I brought along a Precious Moments figurine with me to represent the child, my daughter, I hope to have. My thought is that if I can keep this figurine with me all the time for the entire week, I may have some inkling of the responsibility I will feel when I have a true child with me. I know it may seem silly, but I liked the idea.

The day I swim with Naia, I know I can't possibly take the figurine on the boat or in the water. I ask someone to keep the figurine with them and explain to them the significance of keeping it safe. She doesn't laugh, and I am grateful.

Being in the water with naia gave me a peace and sense of community that remains with me. I knew the moment I saw two sets of dolphins & babies that I was meant to see those pairs. Other naia were swimming below and beside the moms & babies.

It was that moment when I knew I would have people who would love & support me and my child. We won't be alone. We will have friends and family who celebrate our family.

That was the day I decided to become a mom.