Six months from now

Last night I decided to write a description of my life as if today was Sept. 27, 2007. Believe it or not, that is just six short months from now....

Instead of sharing all the things I wrote, I will share a few lines.

The house remodel is finally complete, and I'm content to live there another year or two. Then I have to decide on a new place - I still might buy 2 places to go between them. Sometimes I think of Mr. Almost-Not-Quite & now I just wish him well when I remember him. He's there in my heart & I treasure him for lots of good memories. I'm still not ready yet to be a mom. No idea why I have such a clear desire to be a mom and yet I'm still waiting. It seems like a baby will come to me soon ~ just have no idea how.

This might be the longest gestation in the world of man. I still feel like I'm preparing my home and heart for a child or children. Isn't it interesting how my insides tied my heart & home together so easily with the children who are coming soon?

It's all good.

Going with the flow

A couple of weeks ago someone suggested that I set a deadline for making a decision on what to do next. I'm sure that seems logical to a lot of people.

What works for me is paying attention to my little voice. That little voice has guided me pretty well throughout my life. When I ignore it, I have trouble. When I follow it, all goes smoothly.

My little voice is crystal clear about my desire to be a mom. However, I also feel like I'm pushing right now. I don't feel good when I feel like I'm pushing myself for a decision.

Pushing is not going with the flow.

Relaxing for now is going with the flow.

Being open to any avenue for a child to enter my life is going with the flow.

Talking with people who adopted is going with the flow.

Feeling serene about my options is going with the flow.

I'm going with the flow....

wherever it takes me

More press on Guatemalan adoptions

Now USA Today is jumping on the press bandwagon....

U.S. government scrutinizes Guatemalan adoptions

Yes, I posted a comment.

Yes, I'm still relieved not to be on the Guatemala Adoption Rollercoaster.

No, I still don't know what I'm doing.

No, I didn't get the spa day scheduled yet.

Gratitude

With the week I had... I think it's important that I pay attention to the Grains of Gratitude running through Blogland....

I am grateful for

• Living in the United States - with all our fusses and sometimes idiotic politicians, we still live in a country with the most opportunity, most abundance, most freedom of any country on the planet
• Friendships like Ferelith - she called today and it was so good to chat with her! I told her that the last two weekends I really, really, really wished she lived in Arizona instead of Wisconsin! She's the kind of friend that you just love to sit in her kitchen and talk about everything. You don't have to do something to enjoy being with her
• March Madness - oh yeah! I love college basketball and my teams (Purdue & Kentucky) are still playing in the tournament (big cause of excitement because both teams were less than consistent during the regular season)
• my DVR because I can watch TV when I want instead of when the show is on. This morning I enjoyed Grey's Anatomy and two Oprah shows
• my parents are still alive and still married to each other after 40+ years together! My dad is forgetting some stuff these days, and I try to say that it's ok he sometimes forgets
• my choices, my decisions, and my future - they are all wrapped together because I truly believe the decisions I make TODAY will shape the choices I have tomorrow!
• my patio - honestly, I love sitting on my patio and watching the sun set in the distance. It is truly spectacular to see the streaks of red & purple in the sky
• delicious Asian halibut that I had in the middle of the afternoon (sort of a lunch/dinner combination) at The Keg Steakhouse
• art shows like Celebration of Fine Art so I can wander around and dream of different houses with different art themes
• white wine with cheese & crackers (goes especially well with sunsets on my patio)
• people I met via blogs and the joy I feel in reading their blogs and their comments on my blogs... it really is a lovely, little community!

Totally fried

While I was having lunch with a girlfriend, I told her that I wanted a "do over!" Seriously, I look at my life, and I need a complete "do over" in every area and every aspect.

I'm obviously totally fried and in need of a spa day.... Until then, my decision-making ability is less than optimal

A thought that keeps drifting through my head is that I'm going to continue on the "workaholic" path unless I have a baby that needs my attention.

Glad I stopped Guatemala process!

The info night on Monday wasn't very informative for me. A lot of emphasis put on foster parenting in Arizona and just no "warm & fuzzies"

This week the general press has put a lot more attention on adoption from Guatemala. President Bush's trip to discuss the situation with the Guatemalan president puts a huge spotlight directly on the problem.

Guatadopt.com posted the latest set of Frequently Asked Questions from the government. It isn't pretty. Really, all this information did was confirm what my insides told me....

I'm supposed to stop looking in Guatemala..... maybe it's for now, maybe it's for ever.

Another Info Night

Today I read a packet from a local adoption agency that arrived in the mail this weekend. Since I didn't get my mail until this morning, I'm GLAD I opened it on the way to work.

There's an orientation and information meeting tonight. The orientation is for people who are considering foster or adoptive parenting. Luckily, it's literally 5 minutes drive from my client site so I won't have to worry about traffic.

Not sure that I want to foster. After conversations with other adoptive moms during the weekend, I am open about adopting a sibling group.

It's ironic. I adopted my two cats (yes, I use adopted because we ARE a forever family) after saying for months that I only wanted to adopt one kitten. Having the two together is so much fun! I can't imagine having one without the other.

I know sibling group automatically means older child. I have started saying I'm open to where my child(ren) are. I guess that means emotionally I'm already a mom to more than one child.

Check back... I'm sure I'll have more opinions after the orientation....

Sick of thinking so much....

Tonight I talked with an adoptive mom who is single and adopted a little boy from Ethiopia. It was enlightening, informative, fun, and interesting....

She said two things that really helped me to focus.

The first is that you don't want to continue to wait around and think about it when you can be experiencing the joy of being a mom.

The second is that you really don't want to drag out the thinking. Part of me feels like that's already happened.

I just know that I'm tired of thinking about it. I want to set my course and feel good about my choice and move forward.

One door closes, one opens?

Last night I received three referrals for domestic adoption agencies. One sounded really great, and my friend had used the same agency.

Then I get to the program descriptions.... They only work with couples married two years plus.

I'm an optimist.... I called them. A very polite young man says, "no, ma'am, we don't work with singles."

So, I'm looking for that open door.... where oh where are you?

Talking Really Helps!

This afternoon I spent an hour getting caught up on favorite blogs (like Ella and Savanna) and reading new blogs (like Angel). It truly helps to read what other people are experiencing.

Thank you for sharing!

In addition to feeling better, the blogs are informative. I've had this mental hang-up that domestic adoption wasn't an option for me. Since I'm single, it didn't seem probable that a birthmom would choose a single woman to be the parent.

Tonight I also talked with Barb - she's married to my college friend Craig. They have a beautiful son who is biracial. The birthmom knew she couldn't handle a third child so that's why she chose adoption.

I have always heard that birthmoms choose you for lots of reasons. My friend Beth's birthmom wanted to be the one to help two people become first-time parents. Craig & Barb's birthmom chose them because of how they treated her two other children.

She said a birthmom can choose you because you have a goldfish or because you have a college degree. One family she knows was picked because they had a farm.

Barb said that being single doesn't have to be a problem. She said it was possible that someone would just be glad that an independent career woman could provide for her child in ways that she can't.

It helped to talk with Barb today. It helped tremendously.

I think I am going to explore domestic adoption for Hispanic or biracial child. I have no idea what that means in terms of agencies or attorneys or whatever.

All I know is that today a domestic adoption feels more comfortable than pursuing an adoption with Guatemala. Like someone else mentioned in their blog today, I'm not giving up on Guatemala. I'm just putting Guatemala on hold until their process is more stable.

Putting Guatemala on hold doesn't mean putting my dream of being a mom on hold.

It never hurts to ask "why?"

I've been reading Getting Things Done by David Allen. It's a business book because I do a lot of reading for my consulting business. He says that anytime you get sidetracked with a project/meeting/discussion it's important to return to your purpose. Specifically, he writes,

It never hurts to ask the "why?" question. Almost anything you're currently doing can be enhanced and even galvanized by more scrutiny at this top level of focus....What's the purpose of your task? Why are you having friends over for a barbeque in the backyard? Why are you hiring a marketing director? Why do you have a budget? (Allen, pp. 62-63)

Okay, David Allen.....Let's ask some "why?" questions

Why am I considering adoption?
Because I want to be a mom. Because I'm not sure I want to be single and pregnant physically. Because there are many children who need and deserve safe, loving homes. Because I believe all children deserve at least one caring parent to help them grow and become whoever they want to be. Because I truly believe I can help a child through adoption.

Why do I want to be a mom?
Because I have lots of love to give to a child. Because I can't help all the children in all the countries grow up in safe, loving homes. Because I can't do it all for every child who needs a family, but maybe I can do my best for one or two children. Because I want to experience what I feel like my friends experience every day. Because when I am with my friends' children, I am touched to see how children grow and learn. Because when I am with my friends' children, I feel like they are so incredibly unique and special - they are like fragile flowers who need nurturing and tending so they bloom in adulthood.

Why am I not moving forward?
Because I no longer know what country, where, or how I will proceed. Because it's easy to fret and worry. Because I don't know if Guatemala is safe for me to continue pursuing an adoption there. Because I don't want to continue to spend money on Guatemalan adoption when there could be other places/avenues that are easier. Because part of me secretly wishes I could get physically pregnant tomorrow and not deal with all the BS paperwork. Because part of me secretly wishes someone would call and say "hey, I have a baby for you." Because I'm not ready.

ah.... well... at least, I confirmed that I still want to be a mom.

Saturday mornings

For someone who believes it's important to focus on what you want and take action, I seem to be really unfocused at the moment.

Of course, if I prefer to look at it as "I'm open to whatever happens" then it feels a little bit better.

The truth is that I feel strongly that every decision shapes the choices I will have tomorrow. I like sleeping late on a Saturday morning. I also feel a little lonely on a Saturday morning without anyone to talk with me or do things with me.

So, is it a man or a child or both that I would prefer to be with me? Do I really care how the man or child(ren) appear? I don't think so.... I think I just know that I would like to have humans around me on the weekend in addition to my lovely cats.

Flipped switch?

I spent the weekend in Vegas with two of my closest girlfriends. We became friends through the Arizona Adoptive Families group.

During the weekend I'm told alternately "you would be such a great mom!" and "you don't want to wait too long so that you're too old to adopt"

Good to hear.... both comments.

So, why do I feel that some switch inside me has been flipped to "nope, you're not going to have that so get used to it"?