Form I-600A is my next big milestone!

As I mentioned earlier this week, the U.S. Department of State released this info regarding adoptions from Guatemala. When the U.S. chooses to implement the Hague Convention, it will no longer allow adoptions from Guatemala. The specific wording is:

It is important to note that U.S. law provides for a transition period and that orphan petitions (I-600A) filed with the Department of Homeland Security before the Convention enters into force for the United States will not be subject to the new regulations implementing the Convention.

Marla put my mind and heart at ease because I-600A is the FIRST form. I thought it was the final form so I was a little panicked at getting everything done as soon as possible.

What a relief!

However, I still feel like I need to act quickly. Just like other major life decisions, when I feel peace about moving forward with something, I'm ready to do what I'm led to do. The times I ignored my "urge to act" in the past created untold misery, and the times I acted before I felt peace also produced less-than-great results.

So, I know it's time. I can feel it & I'm excited about it.

Story ideas on Oprah's website

This afternoon I'm watching Oprah talk with Senator Barack Obama. From what I've heard of him, I respect him. After watching him speak today, I'm even more impressed with how he is in person and with his wife. I know today's show is a repeat episode. What I didn't catch the first time is that his daughter's name is Malia (today's God-wink about her presence in my life!)

Not sure why I felt so compelled today, but I decided to submit a story idea on Oprah's website. I explained that I had always expected to marry and have children. Now I'm choosing to pursue an international adoption, and I'm concerned about the potential uncertainty of what will happen in 2007 with Guatemalan adoptions.

I talked of what I consider to be the U.S. government's hypocritical stance regarding private adoptions in Guatemala. Since most adoptions are relinquishments from birth mothers in private arrangements, the U.S. government is saying it may prevent U.S. citizens from adopting from Guatemala. Unless our government is going to stop private adoptions from occurring in our country, I don't understand why it thinks it can stop adoptions in another country. I realize the nuances of the Hague Convention are more detailed than that, but that is one of the sticky points.

Unlike other countries with international adoption programs, there is NO child welfare system in place. If the children are not adopted, their lives are bleak. Poverty and illiteracy rates in Guatemala are among the worst in the world.

I also suggested Oprah's producers visit guatadopt.com. It's an objective site with information and resources specific to Guatemalan adoption, including a new blog by an adult Guatamalan adoptee Meredith.

Who knows what could happen as a result of the suggestion? I'd like to see some positive news coverage related to international adoption and single women choosing to adopt.

That would be a GREAT result!

Future Monopoly games

I received the updated "Here & Now" Monopoly game as one of my Christmas gifts. I spent countless hours playing Monopoly as a child. My neighbor Denise had a game and there were times during the summer that we would set up the board in her basement & play for days at a time. We were lucky her parents let us leave the board set up all the time.

After I received the game as a gift, my brothers and I would play for hours at a time. Yes, we had squabbles over the board - "you're cheating!" "Hey, that's not fair!" "Mom, he's not playing nicely!" But, we also had a lot of fun and happy memories.

Tonight my dad, my mom, and brother Leon played with me. It meant a lot to me that we spent time together as a family. As I grow older, it seems like the time with my family grows shorter with every visit. I'm not sure I'd want to live in the same town with them, but it would be fun to live closer and see each other more often.

I am looking forward to future Monopoly games with my daughter and my family. I think we might need to start with the Monopoly Junior game.

Family chats

Being home with my parents and brothers has created some opportunities to talk about the adoption. I asked my dad if he wanted to be called Grandpa or Papa or something else (I'm hoping he chooses Grandpa). He said he needs some more time to adjust to the idea. I appreciate his honesty, and I'm looking forward to when he tells people on his own.

I told him if he'd feel more comfortable I can stop talking about it. If I wait until the baby arrives, I thought it would be more of a shock to call one day out of the blue to say, "oh, by the way, there's a baby in my house, and I'm keeping her."

Today I talked with my favorite aunt and told her my news. Last year when I was still considering IVF and adoption, I talked with her about it at Thanksgiving. She was excited for me and asked what my mom said when I asked her what she wanted to be called. I think she wanted to be the first person to call my mom "Grandma" :-)

Worrisome situation

Tonight I spent some time on the Internet and visited guatadopt.com. Unfortunately, I didn't like reading the post about the new information released by U.S. Department of State.

Unless Guatemala introduces different systems for regulating adoption, the U.S. will cease to allow adoptions from Guatemala three months after it enters the Hague Convention. And, the U.S. intends to enter the Convention in 2007.

In a nutshell, I need to get my act together and pursue the activities under my control as aggressively as possible.

Angel in my pocket

Today I stopped by a little shop in my parents' town. It's called Gifts From the Heart. I was looking for a little box or decorative bag for my mom's present. While I was browsing, I found this adorable tiny pewter angel for the mom-to-be.

The card explains "this little guardian angel was sent from up above to help you cope with any stress till you hold your bundle of love. "

I loved it so much that I decided to buy it & keep the pewter angel with me. It is a reminder that everything is happening EXACTLY as it is supposed to happen.

Next step after agency agreement....

It's interesting to me the questions my friends are asking about my adoption. People seem to know that the process can be long and expensive. Beyond that, they don't know what to expect.

This weekend I explained to some friends that I am at milestone #1 with a lot of milestones in front of me. My experience as a project manager is clearly popping up because I'm thinking about how to identify all the adoption's major milestones. LOL

Seriously, I see the home study as the next "big thing" to do after sending the first half of the agency fee with my legal agreement. I just sent an email request to the Arizona Adoptive Families group to ask about home study providers.

Let's see what kind of suggestions come to me....

Just like the first trimester of pregnancy

This week I've still told a few people about the adoption plan. But, I am also feeling similar to how my friends felt during their first trimesters.

I'm excited, nervous, happy, and paranoid. I'm afraid that something will go wrong and there won't be a baby.

My mom used to say that crackers helped settle her stomach when she had morning sickness.

Wish I knew what could help settle my nerves....

Timing is everything

I've been thinking a lot about why I am waiting to send the agency agreement and money until after the holidays. It reminds me of when I moved to Phoenix from St. Louis.

When I was in transition from St. Louis to Phoenix, most people didn't understand that I was waiting on peace from God. I requested and received approval to transfer offices with my employer almost immediately. I even flew to Phoenix to look at houses, and nothing felt right.

I asked for the transfer to be effective after I sold my home in St. Louis. I had absolutely NO peace about putting the condo on the market. I stayed in a place of waiting for SEVEN long months! yes, I said months!

I was ready to go! I knew I was moving. I told everybody I was moving. Of course, after awhile some friends didn't believe I was moving because I had done nothing to sell the condo. I saw my realtor at a wedding in May 2000 and told her I was moving. I said I wasn't sure when.

Then, I woke up one morning in June and knew I could do something. I flew out in July to look at houses even though I knew exactly how $&#* hot it is in Phoenix in July. The house I found had been on the market for 6 days, and my contract was accepted without even listing my condo in St. Louis.

When my plane landed in St. Louis, I had a voicemail from my realtor in St. Louis. A young couple had missed out on buying a condo in the complex where I lived that weekend. She knew it was a longshot, but was there any possibility I was still moving to Phoenix? Within 24 hours I had a contract in hand for my condo, selling it a healthy profit and with absolute peace in my heart.

What I learned from that experience is to pay attention to how I feel. Sometimes my readiness is only half the solution. The other people have to be ready also for it to be perfect. Living in my house in Phoenix has been perfect in a lot of ways.

God knew what He was doing then, and a child is even more important than a house. I'm trusting He is in control of my adoption (that's what my agency says also).

It's okay that I'm waiting until after the holidays to send the agency agreement and first deposit. After all, maybe my Baby Girl hasn't even been conceived yet.

In the midst of the flu

Saturday I woke up with the flu - fever, hot & cold chills, throwing up, headache. Basically, I was miserable!

While concentrating on keeping dry Cheerios in my stomach, I was thinking about a year from now. What happens after Baby Girl arrives? I was in no condition to take care of me, much less a baby. Who will I call to take care of Baby Girl?

I have to move the extra phone back into my bedroom and re-evaluate who is on my speed dial. As part of my recuperating process from a broken heart, I had deliberately moved the phone out of my bedroom two years ago. Its presence had reminded me of his calls and how delighted I was when the phone rang late at night.

Now the phone in my bedroom will have a different purpose..... I have to be able to call someone to take care of the baby.

Yes, it seems simple.... but I'm recognizing that nothing is simple when you're a single mom.

Another God-wink!

The story of James & Kati Kim really touched my heart this week. A couple and their two girls were missing in snow in Oregon since the Thanksgiving holiday. Kati & her daughters were found safe & alive at the beginning of the week, and James was found dead after leaving the family car for help.

No one will ever understand why something like this happens ~ the easiest way to explain it is that he had done everything he was intended to do on this earth. At the end of today's article, I got chillbumps (aka vibrating skin)

A few blocks away, a sign outside Church Street Apothecary, one of the Kims' two boutiques, read: "We will be closed for a few days. Please respect our privacy."

Below the sign, scores of flowers, cards and candles conveyed warm wishes from neighbors.

"Your dad is a hero. Your dad is a great, kind man. He will always love you very much," said a handmade card written in a child's scrawl, signed by "Malia."

I've started calling the baby Malia (Hawaiian for Marie - my grandma's name). To see this online today felt like a confirmation that she exists and we'll be together when it's time.

When in doubt

Last night I was feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying over the dollars and the timing. By the time I stopped myself, I was already feeling a little panicky.

Before going to bed, I read a page from Alan Cohen's book A Deep Breath of Life and it was PERFECT to address how I was feeling. The book is designed to read one entry each day, and the entry for December 8 is titled "All Taken Care of"

"The universe provides for all our needs if we trust it. The God that created countless stars and fathomless seas is able to create abundance for us to the extent we require it. Our job is to listen to our guidance and trust."

Reading those words gave me comfort and peace. I allow God to provide everything I need when I need it ~ especially with regard to my adoption.

After spending some time in meditation and prayer last night, I am going to wait a few weeks to mail the agency agreement and initial questionnaire forms. For whatever reason I feel more peace waiting until after the holidays.

I'm trusting that there is a reason to wait a few weeks, and I'm willing to wait.

Craigles understands

A friend from college called me tonight. I don't remember the last time we talked, but I called him a few weeks ago when Ohio State played Michigan. He's a big Ohio State fan, and I don't like Michigan. It makes it easy for me to cheer for Ohio State at least once a year.

He & his wife adopted a darling little boy two years ago. When I told him my news, he was excited to hear that I've submitted the initial application to an agency.

What I appreciated most from our conversation was his advice on saying NO if necessary. He reminded me that I'm the one who decides and it's permissible for me to say no to the agency, to friends, to whoever needs to be told.

He & his wife said no to some children for various reasons before being blessed with Owen. They were actually in the delivery room with Owen's birth mom and cut the umbilical cord. Wow!

Before we hung up, he told me that I can call him & Barb anytime. They know what kind of rollercoaster I'm on. It's good to know I'm not alone on the rollercoaster.

[Craigles was my special nickname for him when we were in college. Even if he doesn't appreciate my public use of his name, I'm sure he'll smile & show off his dimples if he reads this post!]

Since I was 9 1/2

Yesterday I had my orientation call with the adoption agency. The first question she asked me was if I had been thinking about this for awhile or if it was a sudden decision.

I told her about the book I read when I was 9 1/2. My mom received the Reader's Digest condensed books, and I would read the novels that interested me.

They Came to Stay is about a single woman adopting two daughters - one from Korea and one from Vietnam. She had worked as a journalist covering the plight of Amerasian children (American dads serving in the Vietnam War).

At the time I read it, I was fascinated by the story and thought about the little girls a lot. I wondered what their lives were like and how they changed. I remember reading the "About the Author" and was thrilled to know that she had married after adopting both girls. It felt like she had created a great family!

Several years ago my aunt found the book for me. Marjorie Margolies was in her early 20's when her story began! All these years I thought of her as an adult (being 9 1/2, I'm sure it did feel like she was a grown-up and knew what she was doing).

Now I wonder if my insides have always known I would adopt, and the rest of me just had to catch up.

2nd Annual Mother's Tea

Today I attended the 2nd Annual Mother's Tea with Arizona Adoptive Families. Seven moms attended, and it felt GREAT to talk about adoption, my plans, their children, etc.

It is amazing to feel a connection with people you've just met. They have already completed the journey I'm starting. One mom is currently waiting for her second match, and I loved hearing about her son (domestic adoption).

I felt accepted for who I am and the choice I made.

I am an expectant mom.

How wonderful to know that next year I may have pictures to share around the table.

Alicia, Robyn, Lucinda, Sarah

Just like Michelle

A lot of people have been pointing fingers at Madonna recently for her high-profile adoption. The media seems to forget that adoption has been around a lot longer than Madonna.

Years ago a young woman in Hollywood made a decision that I always remembered. At the time, I admired her courage and wondered if I would do the same thing.

Michelle Pfeiffer chose to adopt Claudia Rose as a single mom. Of course, she met David Kelley on a blind date two weeks after starting the adoption process.

From a website about Michelle: "Pfeiffer calls her daughter "an angel" who turned her life around. In a way, she credits the child with bringing her and David together. She says it allowed them to see one another the way people often wonder about each other: how will the relationship change when children become involved, and what kind of a parent will he/she be?"

Wow!

I want to be just like Michelle.... Adopt a beautiful baby girl, fall in love with a fabulous man, and live our lives together in laughter, love, happiness & health

What do I say? When do I say something?

This week is probably the first of many "rollercoaster" weeks. I feel elated to have decided and started the paperwork. I also feel overwhelmed at the responsibility of being a single parent.

As I work during the day, I feel like I have a BIG, GIGANTIC SECRET! I told the two women with whom I work most closely. Last year when I first started thinking about being a single mom, they listened and offered opinions. Now that I'm moving forward, it's great to hear their congratulations, and I appreciate their support.

So, now I'm trying to decide when it's okay to tell people.

What do I tell them?

I haven't completed my homestudy yet, and there's a ton of federal paperwork. Do I tell people after the homestudy is done? when the federal paperwork is done? when I submit everything to Guatemala for approval?

Part of me wants to tell everyone NOW! Part of me wants to wait because what if something goes wrong.

"I think you made a good choice."

Reality is beginning to sink in for my parents. I'm not sure if they thought I'd "outgrow" the idea of adoption or wait until I got married. But, now that I've submitted my application, they are asking different questions.

Someone at my mom's church told her that Guatemala adoptions cost $50,000. At first, she was astounded at the amount my agency quoted (approximately $30,000). I explained to her that the money is used for foster care, attorney fees, and court costs in Guatemala.

I also explained my rationale for choosing Guatemala. It's not a matter of money. It's a matter of my heart.

I feel more strongly drawn to that country than any other country. The babies are with foster families from birth and are never placed in an orphanage. A child from Guatemala is more likely to be healthy, young, and known the love of a family.

If I can't be with her from the day of her birth, it's worth it to me to ensure she has the care of a loving foster family until the legal procedures are complete.

When I was reviewing CWA's programs, I created an Excel spreadsheet with all the fees and associated dollar amounts. I sent it to my mom so she could be better educated the next time someone comments on how expensive it is to adopt.

She sent a reply pretty quickly: I think you made a good choice.

Now THAT made my heart sing and put a smile on my face.

What a Godwink!

Friday night I was watching TV with friends, and they wanted to watch Primetime news show on Mel Gibson's upcoming film Apocalypto. The film is about the Mayan Indians from Guatemala - their noble heritage, their empire's fall, and the possible legacy that lives today.

During the show, they interviewed children and families living in Guatemala. I felt my skin vibrate to see the country. I felt strongly that my daughter is already living or will be born there. I also felt very humbled to know that a daughter of Guatemala will be entrusted to my care.

What I felt was a God wink! This amazing book was written by SQuire Rushnell to explain the power of coincidences in our lives. It's my belief that everything happens for a reason and coincidences exist all around us every day.

Even as I was watching the TV show, I exclaimed to my friends, "that's a God wink!"

As with all God winks, it felt like a confirmation that I'm on the right path for my life.

"Okay, dear, go ahead"

This afternoon I decide that it's better to move forward than to wait any longer. I heard from the Agency reference families, and the references were all strong/positive. I spoke with one of the two women responsible for the Guatemala program.

Everything feels great.

So, I decide to submit the application today. Thank God for the internet because I can take care of everything online.

After I entered the information, suddenly I'm feeling a little freaked out. I call my parents who are traveling to Kentucky to visit my dad's mom and family. My dad is telling me that my brother is driving too fast. My mom is focused on getting the gallons recorded so she can calculate the mileage for the car.

I announce that I'm getting ready to send the application. I'm not sure if my mom is distracted or not comprehending what I'm saying or just not sure what to say.

"Okay, dear, go ahead if that's what you want"

It's funny. My parents definitely wouldn't have been present if I was married and conceiving a biological child. But, they are on the phone with me when I press the "send application" button.

My biggest life-changing decision gets made with the push of a button

Live conversation about Guatemala

This morning I spoke with one of the Agency Guatemala program coordinators. She was wonderful and easy to talk with. Every question was answered or she referred me to someone within Agency who could answer my question.

When I answered the phone, I had butterflies and the nervous sound of my voice was apparent. I started with easy questions like how I find a homestudy provider in Arizona. She explained what information they have and how they would guide me.

I'm not sure why, but I even asked about the financial aspects of adopting sibling groups. Somehow in my mind I have two daughters (although I'm fairly certain that I'm only adopting one child this time). She did tell me that sibling groups are available in Guatemala, so that was interesting information.

She suggested I consider asking for approval for two children in the homestudy process and with INS. That way IF a sibling group is available and IF we match, the government paperwork doesn't have to be redone.

It was great just to chat with a live person who has answers.

Ladybugs & Lilac Walls

Today I have lunch with Marla & Beth. Beth's daughter is looking adorable in her ladybug dress & socks. She has a beautiful smile with big brown eyes and dark hair. I make silly faces and sounds to her as we sit across the table from each other. She's just turned 1.

I feel so lucky to have these two women in my life. They ask about what's been happening, and I tell them the latest conversation with the adoption adviser. We talk about kids, ages at adoption, and adjustment. Nope, not the kids adjusting - the parents! Marla talks about getting up in the middle of the night to feed Ian.

My life is beginning to be turned upside down. I know that mentally, even if I have no idea what it will actually be like physically and emotionally.

This morning as I was walking through my house, I started re-arranging furniture. I know the "Lucinda room" is going to become the nursery/child's room.

People thought I was odd when I painted the walls lilac several years ago. At the time, I wanted a sanctuary within my home ~ a space that was peaceful where I could meditate, pray, be alone with my thoughts.

Now I laugh at a memory. I remember how I used to say that my daughter's nursery would be done in purple because I'm not fond of pink.

I guess my inner Lucinda knew several years ago that my daughter would live in that room. Now I don't have any "if" feelings. Now it's just a matter of time before she's here.

Already thinking like a mom

My brother emails me today about a problem he has. He wants me to tell our mom about it because he thinks she's going to be angry.

Never mind that he's an adult and it shouldn't matter what my mom thinks. It matters to him.

When I respond, I remind him of bad decisions I've made in the past. I tell him that mom may have been upset, but not angry at me.

I see the discussion from a different perspective now. After all, someday my child might feel the same way about me. I know I want her to feel loved even when she makes bad choices.

Odd thoughts in midst of football game

I love football! It's been my favorite fall activity for years.

Today I went to see a professional game with a guy friend. During the game, the camera people put crowd shots on the Jumbotron. Toddlers and children cheering for the team kept making me smile.

I was thinking that next year I'd have a cute little one dressed in my team's colors. Or, maybe I'd need a babysitter because the noise would be too much for her. Or, maybe I wouldn't want to go to the games any longer.

As we were driving home after the game, my guy friend starts telling his dating stories. He says it's difficult to date a single mom because you never know if you're interfering. But, at the same time, you like the feeling of 'being dad.'

As I'm listening to him, I know I'm going to be a single mom. I wonder if I'll even have the desire to date because dating as a mom will be an entirely different situation.

I don't say anything to him. It feels a little too uncertain yet, and I know he'll try to talk me out of adopting.

As if anyone could talk me out of it at this point.

Deep breathing works wonders

I'm calmer today. I received an email from an adoption adviser with Agency, and she reminded me of something very important.

God knows where my daughter is, and He has perfect timing.

So, I'm doing my deep breathing and feeling more centered than yesterday. After all, timing is everything. In other areas of my life, I have relied on the idea that something would happen when the time was "right" - this adoption ought to be the same.

I will need to remember calmness a lot during the next several months. As Krisanne said in her email, "Adoption is not for whimps and knowing that you have given God control and constantly ask for His intervention can be such a source of courage."

Okay, God.... I'm waiting patiently again. Thanks for the reminder.

Urgency

Suddenly, today all I can think about is this decision.

I'm not getting anything done at work. I'm thinking only of how I can get to an adoption seminar. I have to get to an adoption seminar!

I'm trying to decide where, when, how. I'm online with airline sites, hotel sites, CWA's site.

I send my mom an instant message. "I think I'm going to Charleston the first weekend of December for an adoption seminar. If you're interested, I'll check flights for you."

I am obsessed...

Each reply gives me more confidence

When I scroll through my emails this morning on the BlackBerry, I see several Agency families have replied.

Each email gives me more peace, more confidence that this could be my agency.

I know I have to attend a seminar. I have to meet these people face to face. They could be the people who bring my daughter to me.

Now I am planning how to fit a trip into my schedule. I know that I want to make a decision before the end of the year.

How can I squeeze a trip into my schedule? I can do this! I know I can do this.

First reply! Oh joy!

I am forever grateful that the first reply from a Agency family is positive! Not one word of judgement that I'm single or I don't know what I'm doing.

Thank you!

Thank you from my heart for taking the time to respond.

I vow to share my story in the future. When I have my daughter with me, I know I will gladly answer any questions at any time.

I am reminded of the quote on the bottom of Marla's emails: "We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through"

Courage to contact the families

I have always felt that 14 was my lucky number. Is it any wonder that I chose today to contact the references for Agency?

I draft an email. I tweak it. I decide that I can send it. After all, it's just information. It isn't committing me to this agency. It's just another step in the journey. That's all. Just a baby step.

After I send the first email to the single woman reference, I look at the other names. Suddenly, I'm compelled to contact all of them! My fingers fly over the keys and I have sent request after request after request. My rationale is that someone might not get the email or someone might be busy or someone might be too busy.

Nine requests.... nine familes who know I'm considering Agency.

Holding the Agency Adoption Packet!

My skin vibrates (aka goosebumps) when I see the mail. The Agency packet has arrived!

I can't think straight. Why do I suddenly feel so nervous? It's just information. It's going to tell me how much money I need to make this dream of being a mom become real. It's going to list hundreds of papers and documents.

It isn't going to have any magical answers in it. I'm not going to open this packet and read, "Lucinda, God has ordained you to adopt from this agency on this date in time."

But, I still tremble when I open the packet.

Now I have to read every word. Every word is precious. Every word brings me closer to her.

Sharing my info

Marla asks me to contact a friend who is considering Guatemala for adoption. She knows that I have more info on Guatemala than she has. She adopted her daughter from China and her son from Korea. She has listened, encouraged me, and went with me to the first orientation session.

I am humbled to think that I now have more info on Guatemala than a woman who helped me decide adoption is my path.

I am honored to email this woman. After all, we're all on the same journey to create our families. I'm just a step ahead.

I send a lengthy email with everything I can think of. I share guatadopt.com with her. I share website info on a few agencies that I think are a cut above the other ones.

When I hit send, I keep thinking about Beth's friend of a friend. Finally, I decide that I have to pay attention to my little voice. I send an email to Beth with the same info. I tell her I realize I'm being forward, but I keep thinking about this friend of her friend. I ask her to forward the Guatemala adoption information to her friend to forward to her friend. (goodness, it feels like a game of Telephone!)

Now I feel peace over helping someone else on their journeys. That's a good feeling.

Celebrating a First Birthday!

My friend Beth adopted a beautiful baby girl domestically. Today was her first birthday party, and it was more fun than I anticipated.

It's always unnerving for me to go somewhere alone. I know someday I will get over it, but for now, it's still scary. I hadn't met her husband before. I only knew one mutual friend, and I hadn't confirmed that she'd be there with her family. It took a lot for me to get in the car and drive to the park for the party.

Wow! Before I even found our mutual friend, some people are chatting with me about Purdue football. Thank God, I'm feeling more comfortable.

Watching the children play is wonderful. There are different cultures and a mix of families. I am feeling more comfortable every moment. I am feeling like I really could have the opportunity to celebrate MY child's first birthday instead of feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.

While we're eating lunch, I sit across from a couple who have known Beth & her husband for a long time. We get to talking about adoption. Soon, I'm telling this wonderful couple all about Guatemala and its adoption program. She has a friend from Guatemala who is single and may be thinking about adoption.

Now I feel like God sent me to the birthday party to make that connection.

Help, Need Feedback, Help

Now that I'm requesting an info packet... I'm panicking

Get another opinion! This is a major decision. This is a big deal. This is your family. This is the rest of your life.

I immediately send email to my closest and dearest friends with a link to the website.

"I have been researching adoption programs to adopt from Guatemala. I am getting more information from this agency. I appreciate the support you have offered for me and I am interested in your opinion. Since some of you have adopted, do you see anything on the website that would make you uncomfortable? Any red flags?"

Just sending the email calms me down. These are people I trust and they can help me.

Request for Another Info Packet

After another round of online searching, I see Christian World Adoption listed on guatadopt.com and I visit the website. I'm not 100% sure I need a Christian agency, but it's worth a look.

Wow! Something feels really familiar when I visit the site. Have I been on it before?

The Executive Director's name rings a bell. Tomilee Harding.... that really does sound familiar and it's an unusual first name (like mine)

Then I remember... I checked out this agency when I was considering an adoption from Bulgaria in 1999. I remember being disappointed that they didn't have a program for Bulgaria because I liked a lot of other things about them.

Yes, I'll request an information packet.

Isn't it funny how you see things differently when you reconsider where your child might be?

Still saying maybe, maybe, maybe

My heart feels like adoption is what I am meant to do. Tonight I'm with my girlfriends I met through Arizona Adoptive Families. And, I'm still using "I don't know" or "maybe" to describe what I'm doing.

I finally expressed aloud that I was really uncomfortable with the agency I thought I had picked. They had gone with me to the meeting so I knew I had to explain why I hadn't done anything yet.

I don't have any peace.

Every major decision I've made - from taking a job to buying my first home to moving to Phoenix - I never actually ACTED until I felt peace.

And I have no peace...

Will I ever have peace?

Am I backing out?

I don't know....

I do know from past experience that I WILL have peace when it's the right time

Research, Research, Research

Before I left for Hawaii, I attended an adoption orientation session for a local adoption agency. I was still exploring my options. I hadn't fully committed to the idea of adoption because I was still thinking about in-vitro. I took two girlfriends for moral support since it is daunting to enter a room alone.

On paper, that agency seemed great. That agency is perfect for other people. However, that night I felt a twinge of discomfort. When I learned that the coordinator for Guatemala was in the Florida office, I contacted the Florida office to talk with her. I expressed my desire to talk with the Guatemala program director about some questions and gave my cell phone number.

Someone in the Phoenix office returned my call and told me that any questions I had could be answered by them.

uh-oh!

What a bummer voicemail to receive! This agency isn't my agency. I'm not shopping for shoes. I am looking for the partner that will help me bring my daughter(s) to me.

So, I'm back to researching agencies. Back online visiting websites. Back to asking friends and friends of friends (and even strangers) if they know of adoption agencies who specialize in Guatemala.

Swimming with the dolphins

I celebrated my 40th birthday swimming with the dolphins. When I arrive in Hawaii, I learn the Hawaiian word for dolphins is Naia, and it seems like a magical name to me.

The rest of the week in Hawaii I call to naia each morning to visit me. Each morning I have breakfast on the lanai of the oceanfront home near Kealakekua Bay. Each morning I see naia in the bay, and I feel blessed.

I am carrying a secret the entire time I'm in Hawaii. I brought along a Precious Moments figurine with me to represent the child, my daughter, I hope to have. My thought is that if I can keep this figurine with me all the time for the entire week, I may have some inkling of the responsibility I will feel when I have a true child with me. I know it may seem silly, but I liked the idea.

The day I swim with Naia, I know I can't possibly take the figurine on the boat or in the water. I ask someone to keep the figurine with them and explain to them the significance of keeping it safe. She doesn't laugh, and I am grateful.

Being in the water with naia gave me a peace and sense of community that remains with me. I knew the moment I saw two sets of dolphins & babies that I was meant to see those pairs. Other naia were swimming below and beside the moms & babies.

It was that moment when I knew I would have people who would love & support me and my child. We won't be alone. We will have friends and family who celebrate our family.

That was the day I decided to become a mom.